how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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