I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
