My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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