if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize