NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Randomize
