Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
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