ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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