You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
A+ Viking dick
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
