my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
