Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
