she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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