How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
