we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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