look no pants
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I need to stop coming to work sober
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
