imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
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