Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
He? As in you personified your dick?
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
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