i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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