If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
