I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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