I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Randomize
