I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Randomize
