apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
