There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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