apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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