sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Randomize
