The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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