I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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