i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Randomize
