Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Randomize
