Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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