I look better un-naked...
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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