I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
