can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize