mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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