We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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