my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
