my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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