I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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