i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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