Weren't you self-described as an 'arab' slut?
No?
Well my cheeks are red now
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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