Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
