omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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