don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Found your dick twin last night
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
