went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
