PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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