drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
