The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
