I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
