I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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