my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Can I color on your dick again?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
