i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
