You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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