i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
