My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
soo... how was my night?
Randomize
