my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
you win again, gameday.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
