After last night, I could never be a politician.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
