I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize